my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
