i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
