you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
