sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dignity is for republicans.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize