remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
