I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
