I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
