we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
