A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't deserve a penis
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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