Dual....:-)
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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