i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
