I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You're like the curious george of whores
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
