i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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