Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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