I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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