My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
