We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
