i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
