Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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