sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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