It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
