And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
