i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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