R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dick very happy bro
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
