What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
