i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
