I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
