i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
