Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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