i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
