Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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