Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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