i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize