Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
