I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
