Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
