You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
