return my video game
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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