haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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