I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
