Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
