My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
