Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
