Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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