guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Randomize
