he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
