I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
