I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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