I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize