he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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