I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
