I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
