I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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