bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
