So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
