i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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