last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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