yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
