Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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