Who wears a wallet chain?!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
