I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
