I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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